Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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