i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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