I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
