Your dad touched me again.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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