Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
