White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
birth control should be required to get into college
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
