your parents love me but you hate me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
