I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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