As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
