If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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