I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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