i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
