I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
