Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
