Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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