Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
