I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
