My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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