Only a mothe r could love this liver
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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