I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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