I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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