Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
