so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
