Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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