I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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