I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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