The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Randomize
