You're my little dorito
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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