i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
