I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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