How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wear drunk well.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
