I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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