If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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