My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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