I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
