Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
