So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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