my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
