He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
