I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
