chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
