I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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