tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
