fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
