tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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