i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
