my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
