somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
