It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
