I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
