So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
as a side note pls kill me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
