I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
