Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
