i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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