Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
