Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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