I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I touched a dick in church today
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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